Quickie – Please Read and Reply

Good morning darlin’ Readers! I am happy to announce I did indeed get some sleep last night. Huzzah! Early indicators are revealing a slow work day which will drain me as fast as not getting sleep, but I hope to entertain myself for a while to stave off the mental starvation caused by counting ceiling tiles.

This morning I am preparing to list CRANK on www.webfictionguide.com and I need your help. Yes, you. Don’t look away, I see you there. All I ask is that you read the blurb below and tell me what you think of it. This is the description I’ll be submitting with the request to add CRANK to WFG.com.

Is it catchy? Would it entice you to read the story? What can be improved? Does it say too much? Not enough?

These are just examples of what I’d like to know. Feel free to say whatever comes to mind. The Reader is who I’m after, so don’t be shy if you don’t write. Let’s have it!

Please and Thank You!

Ciao,
Pia 

(Note: This is an updated blurb. Some of the comments addressed the first one. It was with that help that I present the following attempt.)

Vampires are real and their hunters are made with one careless bite.

Crandall Jacobson doesn’t believe in vampires. His life is singing for Inertia Stand, a band he loves even if he hates the name. His best friend and drummer appears to have the same lust for music but he has a secret: He’s a vampire hunter.

When a routine staking goes awry, and a vampire sinks her teeth into Crandall, Mike learns there is more to his best friend than he ever imagined.

(Contains explicit gay content and sexy manlove.)

 

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11 responses to “Quickie – Please Read and Reply

  • W. D. Prescott

    Not bad, but the second section confused me. 1.) If Crandall believes in not much more than singing, why is he interesting to read about? 2.) “…drums and daydreams of things Crandall would never suspect.” How does one drum something another person wouldn’t expect?

    Just my two cents, but the first and last are strong and I was grabbed by them =).

    Good luck

    • Ana

      The second section confused me as well. I had to read twice to make sure that I understood correctly.

      I’d pepper in some mysterious details and change up the sentence structure a bit. This is just a quick example (My version is by no means ‘quality’ writing):

      Crandall Jacobson doesn’t believe in vampires. Music enthralls him, and singing sparks his imagination, but he never suspects that evil beings lurk in the world. His roommate, who is also his best friend, incorporates dark messages into the songs he drums. Crandall doesn’t know, but his roommate is a vampire hunter.

      (Feel free to not publish this comment; I don’t mind)

  • Ana

    I’m curious to know how hunters are made with one careless bite. As far as I know, hunters are born, and vampires are made. I am interested to know how you will explain the evolution of your characters.

    Ciao,
    Ana

  • christel42

    I’d change “wrong” to “awry”. I just like the sound of it.

    “sexy manlove” ~ AWESOME! 😛

  • RKCharron

    I like your blurb!
    🙂
    Love & Best Wishes,
    @RKCharron
    xoxo
    PS – I am enjoying your CRANK. 🙂

  • piaveleno

    I agree on the second line. It bugged me when I wrote it, but I couldn’t put my finger on why.

    Thank you for all your feedback. I’ve updated the blurb if you’d like another go at it.

    *kisses and chocolate*
    Pia

  • Ana

    I like it. The changes you made help bring the blurb to life.

  • annmariegamble

    “May occasionally contain…” How about “Contains occasional” or just “contains.”

  • W. D. Prescott

    If there were an emoticon for two thumbs up, I would type it in here, haha

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